Barry's 4th Rule: Delete the Need to Like It!
With apologies to, and gratitude for Dr. Brugh Joy, whose 3 Injunctions were a guiding light during a challenging time.
Decades ago, I was lucky enough to learn about the Author, Brugh Joy, and his 3 Injunctions for doing personal work:
Do not judge.
Do not compare.
Delete the need to understand.
Shortly after learning about these rules for living a courageous and conscious life, I had a major decision to make- and applied the rules assiduously to the situation. It made the right decision obvious, if not easy or desirable. And from that was born Barry’s 4th Rule:
Delete the need to like it!
Today, I am again at a crossroads. Dr. Joy’s rules were helpful, but without “Barry’s 4th Rule” I would never have been able to get the change across the line.
It has been evident for a while that it is time for me to transition to a new stage of life. Although I will continue to write - something that I get satisfaction from doing- another part of the change is that I am retiring from both Coaching and Big Room Facilitation. Both are professions with which I have been deeply engaged. I am proud of the work they have engendered. However, between an aging brain and the desire to travel further and longer than the life of a full-time practice allows, I need to make a change. Moving my blog here to Substack is part of that change. But letting go of my Vistage peer groups and changing my business’ website to say, “…thanks, but I am not taking new clients…” was a challenging rite of passage.
So, I am here to write about the importance of not just the 3 injunctions but also Barry’s 4th Rule: Delete the need to Like it! Although Dr. Joy did not author the 4th rule—in my own experience, that rule gives the others their teeth. Think of how easy it is kick an unpleasant decision, task or circumstance to the curb simply because we do not like it or want to do it.
We can judge the request, how it was delivered, who delivered it—and when. We can judge its validity or hold on us based on our own workload or any other of dozens of criteria. But then, have we considered the worthiness of the work or request itself? Is this mine to do? Is it worthy work, even if I judge it to be below my capabilities or disdainful?
Comparing is similar in nature and often a form of judgment in disguise— so many of the questions above can apply- along with an analysis of what I wanted to do with my time, or to whom else this request could go. I could compare it to more worthy or pleasant work- or to ideas that I have generated that I prefer.
But we get to the depth of Dr. Joy’s injunctions when we consider the need to understand. He is not talking about a work assignment or other external work. He is focused on our internal work. He sets these injunctions for work that is about our growth, our character, and our development as aware and conscious human beings. This is not work designed for rational minds, which prefer easy, desirable, linear, engaging, or fun activities.
Doing that work requires us to open to and courageously work with what Carl Jung called our shadow selves. And that, like many other decisions in life, is not fun, ego-enhancing, or light. It requires us to engage without judgment, comparison or even understanding. And yet, being able to delete the need to like it and find the courage to move forward is what makes shadow work possible. (for more about Jungian Shadow than I am qualified to address here—grab another cup of coffee and go to this site.)
In short, “Delete the need to like it” (Barry’s 4th rule) addresses our current-day desire to stay with what is fun, mostly easy, or plays to our preferences and strengths.
So, thanks to Barry’s 4th Rule, I have made my change of status public. I like what I posted, even if I do not like the decision that drove the post. (You can see that page- and an explanation for the artwork on my old home page, here: www.ibgoldberg.com). On the flip side, I will have more time to devote here on Substack—and I look forward to that.